WHAT DOES ANXIETY AND DEPRESSION FEEL LIKE FOR ME?

 

I thought about doing the generic intro post for this but its been done, its tired and quite honestly, I dont want to do it. I want to do a better job at journaling. I enjoy writing. Whether it’s to entertain, educate, relate and etc. For me it’s an outlet to get my feelings out. When dealing with mental health, I often feel trapped with so many feelings inside. I like to share my feelings for a couple of reasons. 1. It’s a huge relief even if it’s only temporary and 2. I know there are so many others out there with feelings like mine and I want them to know that they are not alone in those feelings and if that can help someone then its worth every word I share.

Some people get uncomfortable when others talk openly about mental health struggles. I get it but this is bigger than you and your comfort. If you feel uncomfortable then simply do not read it, I wont judge you for that.

Yesterday I got to work and I had a millions things going on in my head and I needed to write them out and get it off my chest. This is what I wrote.

5/8/2024

“Anxiety and depression is the loudest silence in the world. I wake up every day exhausted. I wake up and I want to go back to sleep. As soon as my alarm goes off in the morning I know what I will be facing. The silence, the darkness, the heavy breathing, the racing thoughts, not being able to sit still but then at times not being able to move.

Is this everyday? No. Some days I am completely fine. Some days I feel completely normal. Then a song comes on. A word is said. A question is asked. The heart beats faster. The breathing gets heavier. The restlessness sets in. You start thinking of a million things at once. Your head jumping from one thing to the next. Making you even more exhausted than you already are.

You feel heavy. Like someone is sitting on your chest or you are carrying someone on your back all day. 

How do I fix what I have broken?

Constantly feeling I have to apologize for having any type of emotions. Constantly feeling I have to apologize for not being “normal”. Constantly feeling I need to apologize for caring too much, loving too much, trying too hard. 

There’s sad emotions. There’s angry emotions. There is laughter followed by tears. There are distractions that don’t seem to last long enough. Time moves in slow motion and then time moves so fast You feel like you can’t keep up.

Constantly feeling like you just want to scream every single feeling you have inside out loud to just get it out. For a temporary release because you know the release wont last long. It will build back up quicker than you realize.

You sit there as grown adult but you just want someone to hold you. Soothe you. Calm you down. Tell you it’s going to be okay. That they wont leave you. That you can lay on their chest while they rub the back of your head.

You feel helpless. You feel weak. You feel every single emotion the human body can feel all at once.

You look around aimlessly. You see people looking at you. Judging you. You ask yourself if you are hiding it well enough. You think about what lie to tell them when they ask if you are okay. How many days can you wear the mask of someone who is fine.”

I just want others to know, you are not alone. You are stronger than you may know.